Most days, I really like being a homemaker, a mother, a wife. But, some days, it just comes right up in my face how bad I am at it. I mean, I am terrible at housework. I am not organized. I don’t like to cook. I am a terrible money manager with very poor discipline. I have a real deficit when it comes to executing hygiene and maintenance tasks and now my life is almost entirely made up of that. God has an awesome sense of humor and an amazing way of sanctifying us through whatever we encounter.
Yesterday, I went shopping with the kids. I went to Fred Meyer to get gift cards. I didn’t get any rewards points for most of them. Which is a little disappointing, since that was the whole reason for buying them. I went to Target and one of the gift cards that I got from past deals didn’t work. Then I went to Cash n Carry. I couldn’t find my chicken and I picked up the wrong box of hot dogs. Oh, and I returned on Sunday after deciding that the money would be better spent somewhere else and that hasn’t credited to my bank account yet. It just feels like, even when I make good plans (which I’m not that good at, either), they seem to fall through. I know it’s not always, but sometimes. And when it does, it’s just very discouraging.
I know it’s not any kind of indication that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. I know this is where God wants me. The fact that I am feeling attacked at this point only confirms it. I just came off two really hard weeks. We had some things come up with our oldest daughter. Then with our middle kid. Which I may write about later. Or not. The emotional wringer and conviction of that whole thing left me just wanting to lay around and stare at the wall or the tv. But I had to teach Bible lesson two weeks in a row to make up for when I stayed home after taking Joseph to get teeth pulled. Which was also fairly stressful. All on top of the continued stress of having my brother-in-law and his kids living with us. So I get through my two hard BSF weeks, and I come out on the other side with some good insights about how I write lessons and how I can arrange my schedule a bit better. And then, I get new discouragement about my vocation at home.
I know that work at home is important. I know that many Biblical women never did anything but raise children and God blessed them and we still honor them. Heck, many people downright idolize Mary. I know in my heart that God values mothers and the work that they do. I know that taking care of my son is important and that this is the only way he does as well as he is doing. But, some days, I think it might be nice to have something else to do. It might be nice to have somewhere to go each morning. To know that the things I do make a difference in the world beyond these walls.
I know I made my world small and usually it is just the right size for me. Other days, cozy, comfortable and familiar get to be claustrophobic.
Hmm. I guess sometimes my blogging is about deep theological thoughts. Sometimes it’s about interesting journeys through changing my environment. Sometimes it’s just free therapy. =) See y’all tomorrow.
Update: The payment on the things I returned on Sunday just cleared today. That doesn’t make me feel better about all the deals that didn’t go through on Tuesday, but it will help get us to next payday. The Lord does provide in all circumstances.